The Two Years That Were Mine

That moment

I remember the exact sentence.

“I never felt anything for the last two years.”

And I said, okay. I got it.

But I didn’t get it. In that moment, something in my heart died. I felt it. So tired, and so painful.

Then everything came out of me at once. I got triggered. I said so many things, here and there. I couldn’t hold myself together.

I’m not proud of how I reacted. But I understand why I did.

But I felt everything

Later, when the noise settled, one question stayed.

How could you say that?

I understand people evolve. Feelings change. That’s life. But how do you decline two whole years?

Maybe you didn’t feel anything. Okay. But I did. I felt everything.

I remember each moment. Each talk. Each sentence. They were real to me, and they are still real.

In one line, it all felt invalidated. Like the last two years just disappeared.

And I felt stupid. How couldn’t I sense it? Why did I feel a reciprocation that wasn’t there? Was it ever true?

My heart didn’t want to accept it. He must be lying. He must be afraid of something.

Maybe he was. But he still said those words. Consciously. And I don’t want to rewrite that to make it hurt less. It was said.

Not mine to carry

Later I read one of his blogs. For him, it was a beautiful mistake. One he doesn’t want to commit.

Having feelings for someone. Living those moments. How can something beautiful be a mistake?

I sat with that for a long time. And slowly, something became clear.

That is not my problem to solve. If someone can only see something beautiful as a mistake, that is their story. Their fear. Their running. Their lessons to learn, whenever they are ready.

Some people stay stuck in the past. They keep running away from anything that asks them to stay open. I can see that now without needing to fix it.

It is not my fault. It was never my fault.

For the days I miss him

This part is for me. For the days my mind wanders back. For the days hope sneaks in quietly and starts making plans. For the days I want to go back and control what can’t be controlled.

Read this, Prachi.

Remember how that moment felt. Remember how you were treated.

You gave whatever your heart felt, and you gave it with all your love. That was real. That was beautiful. Nobody gets to take that away by saying it didn’t happen for them.

It’s okay that it wasn’t received the way you hoped. It’s okay that someone couldn’t meet you there.

So here is my promise. I will try not to put myself again in a place where someone has the power to erase what I lived. Where one sentence can make me doubt everything I felt.

I won’t go back. I don’t need to say any of this to him. I just need to remember it myself.

You deserve good. You deserve someone who stays.